Moderation has been on my mind. Or, moreso forced into my mind by comments on what I’ve eaten today…
Admitting that my diet today has so far consisted of an oatmeal cookie, giant tootsie roll and almond joy—it’s possible I do need the reminder of moderation, and possibly some real food to eat, but that’s not what I’m pondering.
My thoughts here will very likely create some waves. Hopefully they’re waves that cause you to think more deeply about it, too.
I’d like to assume if you’re reading my substack you’re already able to process things without taking them personally, let me stop right here and remind us both: the world does not revolve around you, or me, so there’s no sense in taking everything personally.
“Choose not to be harmed — and you won't feel harmed. Don't feel harmed — and you haven't been.”—Marcus Aurelius
The truth is, “everything in moderation” is an oversimplification. We use it to justify things that we should reject outright.
Should we “feel” negative emotions moderately? Is it acceptable or beneficial to “vent” and express our anger or frustration? What happens to the “wave” of that expression as it affects others and colors their interactions with others?
There have been times I’ve lost my cool and then been frustrated that people around me actually told me I was not only justified in response to the situation, but also that should have said more, louder, and more directly—they’re wrong and so I was I. I don’t need people to condone poor behavior, I want them to challenge me to be better and to do better!
If you compare me to Hitler, or an evil raging narcissist, sure I’m amazing. But that’s not the standard I’d like to compare myself to.
Here’s the thought I’m pondering:
If reason prevails, the emotions will not even get started; while if they begin in defiance of reason, they will continue in defiance of reason. It is easier to stop their beginnings than to control them once they gather force. This “moderation” is therefore deceptive and useless: we should regard it in the same light as if someone should recommend being “moderately insane” or “moderately sick.” — Seneca, Epistles 85.9
My own experience is only my own. But without exception when I allow myself to give in to negative emotions, or to give in to the pressure or expectation to be emotional over a situation that doesn’t require it (and very, very few situations require it; when they do it should be measured and controlled), I always regret it. 100% of the time. It’s selfish, childish, and harmful.
It’s like finding a problem with every possible solution to a problem. Why? How does it help anything to reject possible solutions, even if they aren’t ideal?
Too often emotions are a violent storm, that when uncontrolled only gets worse and worse. I’d rather not unleash that storm, allowing logic and reason fade further and further away. There is no need to, unless I convince myself that I “deserve” to. And to do that requires letting go of reason and ignoring logic.
Life owes me nothing. Life is not fair. No amount of whining or pouting will change that reality, so why waste the energy? There is a magic in letting go of “standards” and “expectations.” I am not a Queen, I am simply a human living on planet Earth with 8.2 billion other humans, and I will continue to remind my ego of this fact.
Yes, I feel things deeply. I’m empathic to the point I’d rather not be around people who refuse to control their own emotions because it feels like being held hostage and my own emotional state controlled by someone else. (My next post may need to be about how to avoid that situation.)
I’m human and I’ve struggled with depression for the last 30 years. I can only handle someone spewing so much negativity at me before I begin to lose my own grip. I fight battles with my own negativity daily and don’t need even harder battles.
Maybe you identify with that feeling, too? Not wanting to be controlled by others, forced into negativity, or pushed to your snapping point? Consider that for a moment.
That’s a big part of the reason I choose to work hard not to do that to others. Does the world around me deserve to feel that way? Not the people I care about. Not if I truly care about them.
To force my negative feelings on others says I’m more important than anyone else and I don’t care how it hurts them or whether they deserve to be hurt. It says that I can take jabs at them when I’m angry, take things out on them that are my own trauma or triggers they had nothing to do with, and they’re not justified in being wounded by my words, when in anger I intended to wound them and pretend I didn’t.
I’ll say it again: It’s selfish, childish, and harmful.
Becoming aware of our traumas and triggers isn’t enough. Deal with them, process them, and change them—instead of inflicting them on others.
Why would we seek to justify hurting those around us and expecting them to just “let it go” because we “feel” better afterwards or accept it because we were “triggered”.
I don’t feel better afterwards. I feel ashamed. And I’m thankful for that reminder to be better. I won’t judge myself against a standard of what others find acceptable. I’ll hold myself to the standard of who I want to be and how I want to show up in this world.
I’ll choose to work continuously not to justify “insanity in moderation” but to let reason prevail. It makes life better for me, and those around me.