Staying Positive in a Negative Space
Staying positive in a negative space… Yesterday I said today I’d write about how to stay positive when people around you are choosing to be negative.
And honestly the first thought that comes to mind is:
“If you don't like where you are, move. You are not a tree.”—Jim Rohn
But life is life and sometimes, no matter how hard we work to cultivate positivity around us, avoiding it isn’t always as simple as “move.”
Sometimes it’s because we care about the people stuck in negative spirals. Sometimes it’s because we’re stuck with them at work or in family circles. Sometimes the “move” might take time to plan and you’ve got to deal with it in the meantime.
So here are a few things to try.
Strategy #1: Put yourself in their shoes.
Practice empathy. Try to see the situation from their perspective… but not to drag yourself into the mud with them.
Hold space without judgement. Listen without planning a response.
If someone is stuck in negative and wants to focus on solutions, sit down alongside them, listen, validate and offer solutions when invited.
If no solutions-focus is invited, gently ask if they’d like ideas… and if not, perhaps move on. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help.
People are entitled to stay in their emotions, and you are entitled to choose not to. Kindness can be taken advantage of, purposefully or accidentally, and neither is okay.
Strategy #2: Speak up.
Sometimes a gentle, “You seem X, are you feeling ok?” can both help a person realize how they’re coming across and that they do want/need support.
Sometimes it takes a more direct: “That’s a really negative point of view. I choose to see it as…” can help.
And sometimes it’s speaking up for yourself and setting a boundary: “Hey I get you’re feeling some kind of way, but I’m not up for gossiping about other people (or expecting worse case scenarios, etc)” or “I’m choosing to stay focused on gratitude today.”
When I’m in a negative spiral, I pull myself out by asking the question, “What am I grateful for right now?” It doesn’t generally go over well with adults if I ask that, but it worked with my kids when they were young and I use it with myself.
If speaking up consistently doesn’t work… move on to the next strategy.
Strategy #3: Limit your exposure.
You are not required to make your emotional state available for other people to fuck with. Period.
Choose not to engage with (and thereby reward) negativity from those around you. Remove yourself from the conversations, or the rooms.
There are cases where narcissism or thought patterns cause people to intentionally inflict emotional pain on those around them - or for unaware narcissists, there’s an “unintentional” argument… but if it’s happening repeatedly consider that it’s no longer unintentional.
If we’re all adults, then we’re all responsible for our choices and our behaviors. We should all be analyzing them and deciding how we want to show up in the world. Lack of a decision is a decision. Lack of action is a choice, too.
Staying grounded and protecting your peace around negative people can be exhausting. I’ve seen too many “spiritual” people suggest entire processes for preparing to deal with negative people (meditate, journal, ground yourself… and repeat after exposure).
Some will work with some people, some will work with other people, and sometimes you’ll run into people who are just determined to hang on to their negativity and see life through gray-colored lenses.
Bottom line is that no one else is responsible for our attitude and we aren’t responsible for anyone else’s attitude.
I often remind people, “When we argue for our limitations, we get to keep them.” (The internet seems divided on who said that first, but it wasn’t me.)
The same is true of negativity. If we choose to hold onto it, that’s our choice. And if others choose not to spend much time around us, or cut us out of our lives, that’s a reasonable response. Something to always remind ourselves of because it goes both ways. You are allowed to limit contact or cut someone out of your life if they insist on simply being a dark cloud over everything.
You shouldn’t have to work that hard to survive relationships with people in your life. It’s up to you decide what the limit is and what you allow.
So set your boundaries, speak up for yourself, and protect your peace. <3